Monday, 1 June 2015

Football transfer rumours: Morgan Schneiderlin to Manchester United?

Morgan Schneiderlin to Manchester United?
 Is Morgan Schneiderlin on his way to Old Trafford?
Photograph: Jed Leicester/BPI/Rex
Here we go again. Yet another day and yet another dose of grapevine gossip. Pfffff. If you’re sensing that the Mill is bored, or better yet, indifferent, or better yet, showing all the sullen ardour of a husband obliging himself to make love to his wife in the thick of a carnal indifference, then take your right hand, place it over your left shoulder and give yourself a big old pat on the back. It’s Monday morning and the Mill is in a Monday morning funk. Bleugh! The quicker we get this out of the way and get back to dreaming about sipping Japanese whiskey on Jamaican beaches while watching unicorns wash themselves in the waves and hippopotamuses perform tricks involving hoops of fire the better, eh?

Speaking of dreaming. Louis van Gaal has been dreaming about Morgan Schneiderlin. A lot. And the Mill means, a lot. Sometimes when he closes his eyes and drifts east of Eden to the land of Nod he sees Schneiderlin riding topless on a white horse. Other times, he sees him emerging from the surf, his skin glistening in the mid-afternoon sunshine with sweat and salt combining in a strong aphrodisiac. He even dreams about him clad in a Manchester United jersey, sitting at the base of his midfield, doing his best Nemanja Matic rendition. When he has that last dream Van Gaal often wakes up feeling a bit sheepish but he need not as it seems the Frenchman is open to declaring himself a Red Devil. “The Champions League is my goal,” sniffed Schneiderlin the other day before adding, “and if I leave Southampton it will be for a club in the Champions League.” Of course, as with so many of these interviews conducted with players when they go back to their home country, Schneiderlin has been mistranslated. When he said if, he meant when. However, Van Gaal is not the only one with his eyes on the Schneiderlin prize. Arsène Wenger does too. But Southampton have slapped a sticker on the player’s forehead that reads £25m. Now which of these managers do you think is more likely to pay that amount for a player? Yup, the Mill thinks so too.

Hard luck, Arsenal fans, but don’t start blubbering into your organic porridge and green tea just yet. Wenger is so confident that Theo Walcott is going to sign a long-term deal and that Olivier Giroud is good enough to lead the line for an entire season that he has been on the phone to Real Madrid about the possibility of buying Karim Benzema. Benzema, eh? That would be a nice piece of motor, wouldn’t it? Imagine him combining with Alexis Sánchez or running on to perfectly threaded balls from Mesut Özil. But wipe the drool off your face because there’s a catch. A big catch. A very big catch. If you want Benzema, you are going to have give up Laurent Koscielny. How do you feel about that? Yeah, the Mill thought you might say that. And the Mill reckons you will say the same thing when you hear that your manager has also been on the blower to Juventus asking about the availability of Arturo Vidal.

Up in Liverpool, Brendan Rodgers is nervous. He is down on his hands and knees every time he hears the doorbell ring, he shakes like a toothache every time he hears the phone sing. They, the club’s owners, his bosses, are due any moment now. Hence the nerves, hence the curtain twitching, hence the good tea cups and posh biscuits laid out on the table. He is, of course, worried about his future but he is doing his best to go about his job as normal. That includes talking nice to Lyon about their French forward Alexandre Lacazette. But apparently Brendan is not talking nice enough for here is what the Lyon president, Jean-Michel Aulas, had to tweet about the deal: “Your information is false. Liverpool have not called and what European cup are they playing in? They have neither the means nor the interest.” Fear not though Brendan, once Liverpool add a few more zeros on to the the cheque, the Mill is sure Monsieur Aulas will be able to locate the delete button. It’s just whether it’s you or someone else speaking to the press about what good buys Lacazette, Danny Ings and David Marshall will be. Yeah, the Mill couldn’t figure that last one out either.


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